I've had a very turbulent year.

As I've mentioned earlier, I have been trying to figure out what I want and who I truly am. Not that I was oblivious to these things, but I'd been floating through life rather than living it to the full.

I want to experience life at a deeper level, but to accomplish this, I first had to be more introspective than I'd been in years. It seems somewhat counter-intuitive that to truly experience life out there, one must first understand the internal depths, but if you don't know yourself there is no way to fully interact with anyone or anything.

What one needs to achieve is sort of like the medieval notion of the vita mixta. In medieval understanding there were three modes of life--the contemplative life, the active life, and the mixed life.
There are advantages to all--contemplation certainly can bring rewards, as does living life in an active way. But the vita mixta advocates a combination of active--going out and doing, and contemplative. To me at least this is the best path. Activity loses all meaning without contemplation, and contemplation without activity is, excuse the expression, purely masturbatory.

Sidebar on medieval theology aside, I finally am reaping some results for my efforts. I do not mean I have the answers, for myself or for anyone else, but I've reached a place, at least for now, where I feel incredibly calm and peaceful and happy. And the happiness isn't because of any one thing, I just think life is rather beautiful and that no matter what comes, I can deal with it. That I can feel this way when I have so many things I could worry about, and normally would worry about, is an amazing gift, and I gave it to myself. It is easy to be happy based on the actions of others or based on events, but happiness that is internal and manifesting itself outwardly is a rare thing in my experience. And it makes me feel that life is good.