Sometimes I am compelled to apologize to others for things, when really, the person who deserves the apology is myself.

I was sitting here, staring at this window on my computer and trying to think of what I wanted to write. The first thing that came to mind, and which I initially typed, was an apology for being such a bad blogger this week, complete with excuse (too busy with real non-burlesque work!) for why I hadn't been posting. But why? I don't write this blog for the readers (I don't even know if it has any), but for myself. So why do I need to apologize--I know my reasons for not writing.

When I was a child I often tried to keep a diary. I was never very good at being diligent about it, so often, days, weeks, even months would go by with no writing. Entry after entry begins with some variant of "Dear diary, I am so sorry I haven't written in so long...!" and clearly there was no entity out there reading it. It too was an apology, a plea for forgiveness, from me to me.

I have never really thought about why I ask others to forgive me for things when the person who needs to forgive me is me. I'm not saying that I've never owed anyone an apology, I have, have given it, and meant it. But it is much harder for me to forgive myself for my failings, despite knowing I have many.

So, if you hear me apologizing to you over and over for something, after you have said it is ok, that there is nothing to forgive even, understand that while you may have forgiven me or not seen it as something bad, I'm still struggling to forgive myself for it. Because ultimately, most of the things I apologize for have hurt me far worse than anyone out there. You may forgive me for acting like an ass, but it is very hard for me to do so.

I believe in taking responsibility for one's actions. I am responsible for the things I have done. But I need to learn to stop resenting myself for my failings, let go, move on, and not repeat the same mistakes.